The CWCville Tales Episode 8 - Jack of No Trades

Chris stands outside the mayoral building. He looks around to see everything is normal. No disasters, no catastrophes and no disasters. (Chris couldn’t think of another adjective)

Chris enters the mayoral building and enters the office. He takes a deep breath and screams “Miss Allison!”

Allison runs into the office in despair “Chris, what the hell are you doing here?”

“What do you mean?” Chris said. “I’m the mayor of this goshforshoken town!”

“Is that right? So where have you been for the last few months?” Allison asks.

Chris puffs his chest out in self confidence “Well if you must know, I have been chosen to save the world led by the most evil politician of all time.”

Alison looks confused “You’ve been saving the world from yourself?”

Chris stutters “I don’t get it.”

Allison rolled her eyes “Of course you don’t. Anyway, we have some real matters to attend to.”

Chris sighs “Like what?”

Allison hands Chris a folder “Well, I’ve been in charge of CWCville since you left and in the last few months, unemployment has gone down, the economy’s improved by 58% and job productivity’s at an all time high.” Allison added “It’s the best shape CWCville’s been in since the Brendan Fraser years.”

“Oh excellent!” Chris smiles “Now I can make CWCville even better and take all the credit!”

Allison interrupts “Well you say that, but in the three minutes you came back in the office all of those improvements are gone. Just you being here is causing the city to collapse.”

Chris walks over to his desk “What absolute swatchlecorn!” “I’m sure I can recover the city quite simplistically. Whatever that word means.”

“Alright then.” Allison responds “Well your first task is to solve CWCville’s financial debt.”

“No problem.” Chris beams “How much money do I need to get?”

“Oh, not that much.” Allison reassured “Only $137 billion.”

Chris stands up “But what if I don’t get the money back?”

“Well, the public will become even angrier and begin riots which will most likely lead to you being publicly executed.” Allison replied.

“Excuse me for a moment.” Chris says as he walks inside his closet and closes the door. He loudly screams and then comes out.

“Don’t worry, Allison.” Chris bellows “I will solve this financial crisis once and for all. The only way I know how.”

Chris exits the office in a wave of confidence.

Outside the office, Chris is standing in front of various items, trying to sell them to passersby.

A woman walks by and Chris talks to her “Excuse me, miss? Can I interest you in some of my natural resources?”

The woman seems confused “What? Is that a euphemism?”

Chris replies “No! I’m selling some of my water and oil to improve the city’s economy.”

The women looks at Chris “Oh I thought I recognised you. You’re that lunatic that’s destroying our city.

Chris sighs in disgust “Some people just don’t appreciate my leadership.”

The woman replies “Well this won’t help the economy anyway. All you’re doing is asking for more money from the people who need the money in the first place.”

Chris pauses and waits for a few seconds and shouts “Don’t oppress me, you... jerkthot! Get out of here!”

Chris tries to talk to more passersby “Now come on! I can sell you my natural juice!

It’s an unlimited supply... until I get the menopause. Only $100 billion!”

Allison walks outside to Chris “How’s the selling going, Chris?

“Oh not bad, I’ve got a net gain of $0.” Chris replies.

“You know, if you want my advice, I’d make trade with different countries.” Allison suggested.

“Wow, what a good idea I came up with!” Chris screeched with delight. “I’ll go to an ultra rich country and get some money off of them!

Allison sighs. “Great idea, Chris.”

“I know.” Chris says with a boastful tone. “Miss Allison get me a plane ticket to Bulgaria!”

Allison stares at Chris in confusion “You think Bulgaria’s a rich country?”

Chris smiles “That’s right! Now fetch my plane ticket!”

“Don’t you have like a hedgehog or something to teleport you or some weird shit like that?” Allison questioned.

“Well I could do that but—“

Suddenly, Chris is teleported into Bulgaria. He looks around to see a collection of straw huts and a group of donkeys wandering around. A man comes out of the biggest hut, wearing only a suit jacket and a thong.

The man says “Ah you must be Chris!”

Chris stutters “Uh, yes.”

“Welcome, I am Rumen, the president of Bulgaria.” Rumen replies “Welcome to my beautiful country. Please come, come into our parliament.”

Rumen and Chris crouch inside the hut.

“Now, I understand you want to borrow money from my country to keep your city funded” Rumen asks Chris.

“That’s correct.” Chris responds “Now, I must warn you, I am very good at negotiating.”

“I’ll give you all the money you want if you make your city official land of Bulgaria.” Rumen demands.

“Deal.” Chris responds instantly.

“And I want control of all your natural resources. Plus I want to let 100,000 of our criminals into your city.”

“Great idea, let’s do it.” Chris replies with confidence.

“Oh and one last thing.” Rumen says “I want you to grind up your citizens to become Bulgarian imported sausage.”

“Shake on it with a blow?” Chris asks.

Rumen laughs “Thank you, Chris. You will always be a true friend of Bulgaria.”

Once Chris is finished with the blowjob, Rumen frowns at Chris, hands him a bag of money and says “OK, I’m sleepy now, get the fuck out of my country, bye bye.”

Chris vanishes in a bright light and looks at the border sign. It says “CWCville – Official Property of Bulgaria”

Chris sighs in delight “What a day, the people are gonna think I’m a hero!”

Before Chris is about to enter CWCville again, he turns to see a store he had never seen before. The sign says “Super Sex Store – Discount for Mayors.”

Chris smiles and runs in through the door, still carrying the bag of money.

The shopkeeper turns around and says “Ah good morning sir. What would you like today?”

Chris looks around the store and cries tears of joy. He looks at sets of anal beads, blow up dolls and dildos from all over the world. He turns back to the shopkeeper and screams “Everything!”

The shopkeeper smiles and replies “OK, that’ll be $137 billion.”

Chris looks at the money bag and then at the shelves and says “I’ve already done one good trade deal today... and now’s the time to do another!”

Chris exits the store with a wheelbarrow full of sex toys as he pushes it into CWCville.

“Ah, what a day! I sold all of CWCville to another country, I’m about to kill some of my own people for meat and I’ve got a lifetime supply of sex toys!”

Chris laughs to himself. “No wonder people think I’m a master of trade!”

Back at the store, the shopkeeper pulls the mask off his face to reveal it is Trump in disguise.

Trump laughs “This trolling business is easy, no wonder everyone does it!”